Profile muckster
Equal opportunities for Little People
This cult Western takes a sudden change of direction half way through and Jacqueline arrives as a sort of handmaiden stroke sidekick to the newly incarnated and now monkish protagonist El Topo. She is less than four feet tall with stunted arms and legs but her facial features are formed in normal proportions. With her sharp, simple, dark-haired "Red Indian" style looks she is really quite attractive.
We've already seen a couple of babes serve up the goods, so the overriding question is:- Will she or won't she? You know, "whip 'em out" and all that! I'm not sure exactly how the hierarchy of "alternative" feminine desirability is supposed to go (wheelchair-user, then amputee, then dwarf is it?) but whatever, she's a rare find and rates highly.
The setting is a stereotypical Wild Western town, and the duo are tempted into a squalid bordello to earn a bit of extra cash. The place is full of naked tarts. Lots of sagging bosoms and flabby bare bottoms are on display. To earn their money the pair must strip and put on a show. As she faces away from the camera El Topo (played by director Alejandro Jodorowsky) removes Jacqueline's blouse, then she shyly turns around. Looking authentically uncomfortable and embarrassed she shows her breasts. They are small and saggy, but a sweet sight nonetheless, with a hint of perkiness in the pale pink nipples.
Blotting out the audience, the couple lie down together and make love for the first time. It is gentle, tender and romantic. Oh to be a film director, and write yourself a scene like this!
Shaven headed sister
Connie appears in the opening ritual sequence along with Letícia Robles. I don't know who is who but it doesn't really matter. They are both wearing white Marilyn Monroe-style dresses and tarty make-up. Kneeling in front of the Alchemist (director Alejandro Jodorowsky) they are ceremonially stripped of clothes, jewellery, make-up, and finally their hair (yes we see their hair cut away for real with scissors and clippers). The pair pose fully nude but with their hands modestly clasped in their laps. Neither are great lookers but have attractive enough youthful bodies with nice skin and well filled-out rumps.
The girls appear again later on in a sequence sleeping naked with their lesbian mistress Isla (Adriana Page). They are lying on their sides, bottoms visible, one of the girls' legs slightly parted and showing a hint of what lies between them. We see some more tastefully filmed boobs and bums as the girls wake and stretch before happily climbing out of bed, then dressed they walk outside with their boss and her dogs. Isla wears a masculine business suit, but the girls are decked out in outlandish cabaret-style outfits that fully expose their breasts, the trouser-suit of one of them cut so low that it actually reveals the top of her pubic hair.
Pet-owning prostitute
Ana is one of a dozen hookers who emerge from a church to slowly parade up and down the Town Square. They are all wearing the same white thigh-boots, black hot pants, and transparent tops that clearly reveal their breasts. Ana stands out from the other tarts with her beautiful Native American looks, wide eyes and sad smile. Also you may notice she is the only one carrying a pet chimpanzee on her back.
She tags along behind the main group of pilgrims for the rest of the film, often hand-in-hand with her devoted chimp just like Jennifer Connelly in Phenomena. Disappointingly she doesn't appear to do any more real nudity but I may have missed something.
Top avant-garde performance art
Millionaire art collector Klen has been enjoying shagging shock-haired hippie chick Re in the back of his limo so much that he decides she's just the thing to try out his new creation, a mechanical Love Machine that nobody else can get to work. It's a squat metallic garden-shed sized contraption that is stimulated by rubbing its mechanical vagina with a six-foot electronic rod.
Re calmly strips nude (except for one of the more lamentable pieces of art direction, a pair of massive clod-hopping platforms), takes up the rod and approaches the machine. What happens next is one of the most remarkable set-pieces in the film so I won't spoil the surprise, but suffice to say that Re does not disappoint. We get all-round full-length views of her nice slim body as she works away with the rod, though her massive head of hair makes her look a little junkie-style skanky. There's a good shot of her untidily trimmed pubic thatch but with long straggly hair (possibly false) obscuring the sight of her lips.
Topless ritual anointment
This is one of my favourite types of scene, where the director prevails upon his own wife to muck in with her fair share of the nudity. Redheaded Valerie kneels amongst Mexican ruins wearing only a native thong along with the other pilgrims. Their bodies are anointed with herbs. She has unexceptional smallish breasts with a hint of sag.
This bizarre piece of cinema is Alejandro Jodorowsky's follow up to the cult success El Topo. Fans of the earlier film will be able to reacquaint themselves with the director's obsessions, such as violence, animal cruelty, child nudity, mystic symbolism, scatology, anal fingering, and general all-round messed-upness. The story is of a Christ-like figure The Thief (Horácio Salinas) who witnesses the suffering and corruption of modern life on his journey through Mexico to meet the central figure of The Alchemist (played by Jodorowsky himself). He is introduced to eight other pilgrims, and their stories are told too. Finally the group make their way to the Holy Mountain in search of enlightenment.
It's all a load of old bollox really, but all that matters to me is that it's very entertaining bollox. The sequences of symbolic and surreal images are surprisingly rich and imaginative, and of course there's lashings of nudity and perversion too. Definitely one of the best of the head-trip films (cf. Mondo Candido) that became popular at the tail end of the early Sixties.
Dear departed stripper
Credited only as "Stripteaser", I hope I've identified Jane correctly (there's another stripper in the film but she just looks like a ten-a-penny porn star). Playing a corpse, beehived and boaed Jane lies in a coffin wearing a classic Fifties-style stripper's outfit in funereal black with an undercut basque exposing her vast natural-looking milky-white breasts. The undertaker uses his newly invented electronic gadget to make the deceased touch her soft pink nipples and otherwise disport herself enticingly.
The perfect sleeping arrangement
Crop-haired black actress Adriana plays lesbian businesswoman Isla. Her bed is one of those unusual all-enveloping lidded arrangements favoured by megalomaniacs like that Abominable Dr. Phibes and his wife. It's wake-up call time, so open comes the lid revealing the naked Isla recumbent with one of the shaven-headed babes from the opening sequence draped naked on each arm. And for blankets? What could be warmer and cosier than three of those gorgeous Old English sheepdogs! The dogs quickly jump out to reveal a feast of sleeping bush, boobs and bums. Very, very nice indeed and I must remember to try it one day.
Once the three girls have finished their contented yawning and stretching it's time for Isla to get dressed. Er, like a man. She covers her breasts with a white vest then lies on her back, one leg in the air to pull on her old-fashioned black suspendered socks. It's a luscious shot, filmed from the "wrong" end but with her thick black bush clearly visible between her splayed legs. Then standing she draws up her shorts, a moment's pause allowing us a good view of her extensive pubic triangle. It actually looks trimmed so in its natural state must have been one vast sprawler!
All accompanied by slow sensual jazz music, this scene is a true classic of gentle eroticism.
Lardy-arsed middle-aged exhibitionism
Guadalupe plays the young Berg's wife, though it looked more like a deviant mother and son relationship to me. This hyperactive fat lady can't wait to get her clothes off. After waking her "husband" in their squalid set of rooms she's soon belly dancing for him in nothing but curlered green hair and her underwear. Pointing her ample bottom at the camera she gleefully pulls down her knickers and turns to reveal a double surprise - a day-glo green crotch rug, plus a mysterious lack of a belly button! Pausing only to give the mechanical horse (?) a sniff of her artificial fanny she dives arse-in-the-air onto the bed. Later on she is seen perching on the bog nude but for that green thatch and matching stars over her nipples.
Exotic ornamental handmaiden nudity
Elegantly slim, giraffe-necked African actress Zamira spends about half the film literally standing around naked except for the odd bits of metal fastened to her body and mystical symbols painted on her skin. Often she's in the company of exotic animals (the director was friendly with the proprietor of a zoo apparently).
The camera gives her body a good once over in the scene where we first meet her. There are close-ups of her small breasts with perky nipples, and of her crotch which has had an unusual makeover job done on it. The hair is trimmed back into a small triangle that has been painted over to emphasise its sharpness. And she has what looks like the head of a large steel rivet attached to her clitoris. It seems to be pinning on a piece of artificial thatch over her vaginal lips as they are not visible though you'd certainly expect them to be.
As mentioned Zamira doesn't do much, except for some handmaidenly ritual stuff, such as washing the hero's anus while sharing a bath with a baby hippopotamus. One of my favourite of her scenes is where everyone is fannying around in a field wearing native-style thongs. Hers has slipped away well to the side revealing the whole of her bare backside as she gaily scampers about.
Street theatre photo opportunity
Some random weird stuff is going on in the streets of Mexico City, and blonde, elegantly dressed tourist Jacqueline is part of the crowd of gawping onlookers. A gas-masked trooper manhandles her aside and hikes up her blue dress to reveal sexy black stockings and suspenders, then quickly drags her panties down exposing a neatly trimmed "porn star" style bush. Then he rapes her against a wall. Still clutching her pet Chihuahua, Jacqueline looks a little put out at first but when she notices her husband happily filming the act with his Super 8 camera she smiles and waves.
Possible pussy slip to ponder/obsess upon
This cavegirl classic still packs an erotic punch over forty years on. Feast your eyes on those gorgeous tanned and oiled buttocks lifted and separated by scanty fur briefs! And as for the women, they're even tastier!
The bit we are interested in comes during the catfight in the cave, which is at 1:10:27 of the Optimum PAL edition. Martine Beswick is trying to spear the very lovely and intelligent Miss Welch into the ground with what looks like the tusk of a narwhal. She's on her back with her legs apart and her antelope skin bikini is riding "right up her crack" as they say. I'm not claiming as a fact that her hairless outer labia is overspilling the edge of her briefs, and possibly bringing a hint of her inner lips with it. I'm just noting that if that was what actually happened, the image on the screen is what it would have looked like.
"Though I always did sexy parts and had an enormous cleavage, the bottom shown in Blood from the Mummy's Tomb was certainly not my bottom." - Valerie Leon, quoted in The Times, October 28, 2006
We'll have to take the lady's word about the body doubling (though it does look very like her), but it's a top bottom scene nonetheless. I would have given it three stars.
At 27 minutes the Valerie double jumps out of her boyfriend's bed in the dark fleetingly showing medium-heavy breasts from the side. Luckily, for reasons of thematic relevance or pure sexual exhibitionism this couple prefer to make love with the curtains wide open in full view of the terrace of homes opposite, and "Valerie" moves to where her back can be clearly illuminated by the starlight streaming in while she quickly slips on her white cotton knickers. She's got a nice slim bum, slightly saggy in that unmistakable Seventies style. I think she must be fully shaved down below as otherwise the view as she lifts her thighs one by one should be clear enough to spot tufts of hair peeking out between those pretty cheeks. As a bonus you can faintly make out the reflection of her breasts in the window.
Regarding the flick itself, it's a passable timewaster, clichéd and a little aimless, cleavage heavy but with no other nudity.
Middle-aged scream-queening with down-blouse and see-through
In this her last big-screen role Oscar winner Joan plays a schoolteacher returning to England after a nervous-breakdown-inducing brush with Voodoo witchdoctors in Africa. She can hardly believe her luck when she's offered the position of headmistress at a small private school in the quaint village of Heddaby. But events take a sinister turn when signs of witchcraft turn up even in this seeming rural idyll. She teams up with the bossy, sensible-shoed Lady of the Manor (a very imposing Kay Walsh) to protect her innocent pupils from this ancient malignancy and superstition.
Joan was approaching fifty here, still attractive and in good shape though very straight-laced and prim. She could be taken for Maggie Thatcher's more glamorous younger sister. Her character is a little underdeveloped and she ends up spending too much time just screaming at things, fainting, being put to bed with a sleeping draught, then waking up and screaming at other things. An excellent example of this occurs at 49 minutes when she's crawling backwards off her bed in an elegant pink nightdress with a surprisingly low neckline. Hair unkempt and knockers all a-jiggle she's quite a sight as she tries to flee the room. At one point she even looks in danger of actually popping a nipple!
That's not nudity though. But stick around until 53 minutes and we do get some, albeit in a token, half-a-star-rounded-up, last-resort-of-the-desperate sort of way. Joan is putting herself to bed in flimsy white pyjamas and it's obvious she's not wearing a bra underneath. Tantalising, but not quite revealing. But carelessly she allows her chest to pass in front of the bedlamp as she climbs between the sheets, and the backlighting reveals the shadows of two well-shaped breasts through her nightwear. Now wind back, zoom in, adjust the picture (lo-brightness, hi-contrast, hi-colour), step forward and find the exact right frame. You'll know it when you see it. Joan Fontaine's actual left nipple, areola and pale tip almost clear as day pressing through the thin fabric of her pyjama top. Blimey!
Naturally in a film like this there are witch coven scenes, but they don't have any nudity. A shame but understandable in a work of this vintage. These rituals are the most remarkable (and not necessarily in a good way) part of the film, being squalid and ridiculous in the extreme. Perhaps writer Nigel Kneale was trying to make some sort of anthropological relation between traditional African tribal rites and those of European paganism. Or perhaps it was just supposed to be funny all along.
The Witches is an old-fashioned and desperately slow-moving film even for its time, but I found it unaccountably intriguing and compelling. It's unusually female-centred, with the only male character of significance an emasculated drip. The sexual element is definitely present but strongly reined in. In particular the relationship between the two leads has an undercurrent of lesbianism that is all the more tantalising for being left unstated. As for the supporting totty, Ingrid Boulting makes for a passably innocent-looking damsel in distress, and a young and chubby-faced Michele Dotrice features as a housemaid.
Would you like some nuts?
Katya has a supporting role as blonde boutique girl Caroline who appears to be sleeping her way through an A-list of Seventies TV actors. Not a very sympathetic character, she is impatient, potty-mouthed, and quite frankly a bitch. But she cleans up her act as the story progresses becoming much more glamorous and alluring. Unfortunately her main nude scene is (presumably deliberately) an object lesson in how not to do things if you want them to appear erotic.
About ten minutes in we get a typical bedroom sex scene with Katya, but it's so rapidly intercut with other scenes there's no chance to take it in. First one breast is being groped and stroked in close-up, then the other is visible (or is it the same one? Let's hope not). Then some full-length shots from the ceiling with a naked male figure grinding away between her splayed thighs. You can see enough of Katya to know she's naked, but the body of her partner obscures all her interesting details in a way more typical of today's cinema than that of the early Seventies. So who is this lucky bloke then? None other than Tom Bell, almost unrecognisable behind shades and sideys, and slightly disturbingly I think that bare bottom on show really does belong to the late TV stalwart!
There's some more bed scenes with Katya throughout, but unless I missed something only her head and shoulders become visible. Very disappointing. And horrifyingly, one of the notches on her bedpost is sainted TV sitcom legend James Bolam! Mercifully we leave this encounter at the bedroom door.
As for the main storyline, this twisted psychological thriller stars Rita Tushingham as a disturbed dog-kidnapping Northern waif astray in London who takes up with deranged mother-fixated blonde pretty-boy Shane Briant. References to Peter Pan abound, but surely nobody would expect this fairy tale to have a happy ending. A cruel and memorable film, though whether it's also a "successful" one I couldn't really say.
Lesbian sex on the beach
Tall, snooty lipstick-lesbian Miss Denora (Meiry) turns up at the prison wanting to buy a girl. Governess Sylvia knows just the thing - for 200,000 she can have Betty. Looking through the peephole to inspect the goods reveals a totally naked young slip of a girl in a curly Cupid-style wig (which unfortunately makes her look a bit like a trannie but never mind). Denora coughs up the cash and takes the girl off on her yacht.
Intriguingly, Betty is not a mere sex slave - Denora is expected to seduce the girl first! It's a shame more time wasn't spent on this subplot. Eventually at 1:01 we do get to see the couple make love, romping in the surf on a private beach. Betty is nude, Denora is topless, but we don't see a great deal of her breasts. Needless to say this love story does not have a happy ending: "Don't cry my love, everything's going to be alright. He won't touch you again, Mamma will see to that. But you shouldn't try to run away, that's not nice..."
Lesbian sex in the office
Elegant blonde Maria plays Sylvia the Prison Governess in this Brazilian comedy. But she spends more time choosing fresh new girlfriends than ensuring the proper running of the establishment, so discipline is breaking down and the death rate is soaring.
Sylvia hears word that 578 has been leading an impromptu nude aerobics session in the exercise yard. She calls the girl in and by 0:33 both are naked in the office and Sylvia has turned off the desk lamp. She gives a full-frontal as she turns round, nice breasts but bush exposure is only brief. 578 has a small-breasted and rather stocky figure and looks boyish but is not totally unattractive.
So the two ladies get down on the couch for a passionate bout of snogs and frottage. First Sylvia is on top, then 578. There's plenty of bum exposure, but not much more than a glimpse of anything else. Unlike most of the sex in this flick this two-minute session is actually quite erotic. Incidentally Sylvia resembles Fiona Phillips from GMTV in her looks and mannerisms, so if you ever dream of seeing this top MILF naked on a couch getting bonked senseless by a butch young lady then you've found your film.
This long lovemaking session leaves Sylvia shattered the next morning. We see her in her office clad in a nightdress inspecting the insides of her thighs for love bites while her deeply unimpressed deputy Sandra looks on. At 0:45 Sylvia soaps herself down in a bubble bath, and we see another minute's worth of her breasts. Finally at 0:54 Sylvia and 578 get very hot and bothered in another naked session sitting in each other's laps on the couch. Only breasts are seen, but one of Sylvia's does get a good sucking.
Surprise non-lesbian nudity
Neide turns in a top performance as Sandra, deputy to Prison Governess Sylvia. She's the only member of staff not to spend half her working day indulging in flagrant displays of lesbianism. This leads to frequent clashes with Sylvia, Sandra's contempt for her incompetent and alcoholic superior manifesting itself in some smouldering hot glares! All the prison officers are impeccably turned out in this flick by the way, apparently straight from the hairdressers, and all braless in dazzlingly white blouses worn by default unbuttoned to the navel.
For a while it looks like Sandra is going to get away without having to do any nude scenes, but eventually a single one turns up and it's a cracker! At 1:07 we suddenly find her starkers alone in her room, straight out of the shower, all sun-tanned and oiled, brushing her hair, and muttering to herself fretting about Sylvia, "She's getting crazier and crazier, I just don't know". We get all-round views of her smallish perky boobs, trim bush, and broad but still compact behind. Seen from the front her best feature is her wonderful curvaceousness in the hip and belly area. It's a totally, blissfully gratuitous scene and lasts for about half a minute.
Lesbian sex in the surgery
Marta plays the dipsy blonde Prison Nurse in this WiP-flick from Brazil. She's been sniffing the ether too long to have much of a clue what she's doing, but she does love her work. Especially the body cavity searches! But when one of these turns up a concealed weapon it's just an excuse to blackmail the girl (261 - yep it's that kind of a film) into a lesbian affair.
At 0:15 minutes Marta is nude (except for rubber gloves and her treasured white cap) massaging 261's breasts on the examination table. Marta is getting on a bit but her good-sized breasts are still in fine shape. She walks over to get a "surprise" from the shelf and we see her full-frontal showing a broad hairy bush, and less happily some cellulite and the beginnings of a beer gut!
Moving on to 0:46 and Marta is in the surgery naked with 261, gorging on watermelon while they slowly rub their bare bottoms together. They exchange a few words while full-frontal, then Marta insists on playing horsey! 261 jumps on her back and bounces up and down spanking her rump harder and harder. Top game!
At 0:49 the nurse is acting loopy even by her standards and lifts her uniform to tease the Governess with a flash of her bush! We briefly see some well-rounded bum.
Finally at 0:56 Marta and 261 are entwined face-to-face on a couch caressing each other, only breasts and legs visible. The nurse whips out a surprise, "the eighth wonder of the world". It's a giant dildo carved from a pineapple, and they take turns slurping on it.
Bare Behind Bars is a frenzied catalogue of utterly wanton depravity that pretty much renders the rest of the genre obsolete. It has everything, except perhaps for truly attractive inmates, but the glamorous Warders more than make up for that. There are a few hardcore scenes from the bit-players thrown in, and after the obligatory escape things get seriously messed up and nasty. But first and foremost it's a wild slapstick comedy that just happens to deal in wall-to-wall nudity and lesbianism, so if you're after something more erotic you'll have to look elsewhere.
Naked niece-on-aunt action
Christa plays Joaquine, niece and good friend of Marcia. I didn't quite catch what her relevance to the story is supposed to be, but she's a ravishing golden-haired babe so who cares? She appears naked in a couple of lesbian fantasy sequences, so see Rita Calderoni's review for those. And for those who are into these things, she has a catfight with medieval weapons while not wearing an awful lot.
